Feb 17, 2am
I find myself wanting to say so much I know won’t matter anymore. What use is there in telling you when we’re done?
What prompted me to write this blog post was the realization that tears were falling down the sides of my eyes as I lay down staring at my dark ceiling. I caught myself remembering our first few months together when we’d laugh and forget about the time when we talked, the way you laughed when I said something funny, and the way you used to make me feel. And as I type this I can feel cold streams of tears against my warm cheeks. Despite all that, I know you haven’t cared enough to check this blog for a long while and there’s a slimmer chance you will in the future.
I never thought I would fall in love with you, honestly. As clichéd as it might be, I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone this much before. I know I’ve said that in the past, but now more so than ever does that statement ring clear for me. I always thought you would be my special friend, given our initial circumstances, and when I found myself falling for you I even attempted to make it a little awkward between us.
But it still happened, I fell for you and somehow you had already fallen for me. So we started the difficult task of being in a long distance relationship. You told me we would make it work, and I remember wanting to believe you so much. So much happened between then and now, it’s hard to believe it’s only been over a year and some.
We fell in love, we made it official, we fought and we made up, and we fought again. I know there is so much else to our relationship than that, but I can’t mention them all since I might need a lot more time and a bit larger a slice of the internet than I intend this post to occupy. We learned so much from each other and I’m happy it was you.
I guess what hurts me is that these past few days I’ve been receiving attention from guys, and it bothered me. I didn’t know why then, but I guess now I know I’m not comfortable with it since I’m still stuck loving you. Wow, I love you so much. I did, and I still do. God, this post will embarrass me in the future, but it hurts having to be apart from the person I love.
I gave you a lot; really, to some extent, I think I gave you everything. And I don’t regret any of that. But, Jesus Christ, does it hurt to remember that you let me slip away.
I allowed myself to feel so low for so long because I loved you, and I believed that I was the one that was too much, that I was the one that didn’t understand. I adjusted, and watched as you chose to move further away. You only ever seemed to pull me back with words and promises and “I love you”s when I was pulling away from you.
Then we broke up, for good that time. Two weeks later, you said you wanted to try again but you balked when I asked what it was you intend to do this time around. I remember you shouting at me, saying I was always too much.
I asked you to push through on visiting me so we could have a proper conversation. You came and we talked, and I hope you still remember the conversation we had. Before you left, we had agreed that we wouldn’t talk unless it was important anymore. I didn’t manage it one night and I called you in the middle of a storm. Then, I thought that was it.
You messaged me about burning photos you had given me some days after, but I didn’t reply. I joined Discord again, and shortly after you left the server. You made a fake account after to check on me. Wow. You messaged me on Telegram about the photos, even mentioning that you didn’t know why it was I wasn’t replying to your messages. Then came your apologetic message on Discord.
You realized you missed me. You realized you were bothering me because you missed me.
You wanted us to be best friends still, and I said yes. For two weeks, we talked but I held my ground. I knew what I wanted this time and I was not afraid of being called too much. You admitted it yourself, too. You realized I was the only constant in your life, and that you regret not putting more effort into the relationship. The sad part is, you only realized that after the relationship ended.
So, I told you when you were being unfair or misogynistic or anything else that bothers me. You pulled away this time because you realized that you couldn’t handle the feeling of wanting to please me.
Wow, why am I still here? You have always had this pattern of making big gestures when you’re in danger of losing me -or- when you’ve just lost me, and once you have me back you reset into not making any efforts again. Otherwise, you give up when I don’t budge.
So, wow, I’m reading back up and I’m confused. I started this post missing you, but I feel better after writing down our falling out.
I’ll clean this post up as an edit. I do need to conclusion before I fall asleep though. I am so sleepy now.
In retrospect, I don’t regret letting go of the relationship. You know what I gave you, but you didn’t appreciate that or reciprocate it during our relationship. There were constant apologies and rarely did you make up for them nor were there many improvements. You only tried when you were in danger of losing me, and you would even get mad when I didn’t take you back.
But I loved you, and I still do. Maybe that’s why I endured all that for so long. We’re here now, and I don’t want you back. At least not how it is, or how we are, right now. Maybe, just maybe, one day, we can try again.
You’ve ripped my trust up into tiny pieces that I’ll have to find and glue back. It’s hard to believe anything you say anymore and it hurts knowing I trusted you so much back then. Honestly, I find it hard to believe you’ll grow up. If you do, it likely won’t be for me but for a girl who will inspire you more than I ever did.
To quote a cliché Filipino mainstream, but classic, movie non verbatim, sana ako nalang ulit. But I know, it won’t be the best. Sana tayo nalang ulit, my heart says, but I guess I should let go and say goodbye.
Even if it won’t reach you.