3 AM Thoughts

I’m here again.

Honestly, I don’t know what to feel anymore.
I think I may be depressed, but then again I may just happen to be sad like the many times in the past that I’ve confused depression and fleeting moments of sadness.

I’d like to say all of what I feel here on this blog, but sadly, I realize I no longer have the skill or capacity to write like that anymore—many times I doubt I ever really had any skill and I may have most likely been fooling myself.

I’ll lay down what I have in my head in the moment, and maybe I’ll delete or edit this later on.
I’m about to take on my fifth year of BS Biology at the University of the Philippines, or at least I’m supposed to. You see, as of writing this, I’m currently on dismissal status from the university I had dreamed of graduating from since I was younger. I know all the mistakes I made during my four years, and I understand that I am completely at fault for the situation I now find myself in. It’s too painful to even begin to retell all that now—maybe in another post, or maybe never—so I’ll stick to what doesn’t hurt as much to tell.

I’m in the process of doing my paperwork for transferring to another university. Amidst all this, I find myself alone with my thoughts again. I suddenly remember all the “I should have”s, the “Might have been”s, and the “What if”s. I definitely should have been a much better student, I could have been if I tried harder. What’s the point now, anyway? I’m going to another school. I guess regret really does hit you hard when it’s too late.

I’m ranting, I’m sorry.
Thank you for reading this, but for now, this is all I will let myself think about. I’ll probably start crying if I write any more, so I’ll stop here.
I’m sorry if the post is a bit short, even after I’ve been gone so long.

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